Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!

    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.

    Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”

    The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”

    St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”

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  • Bowling Teams: Brunettes vs. Blondes on a Bus!

    Two bowling teams—one team of brunettes and the other of blondes—get on a double-decker bus together. The brunettes are on the bottom, and the blondes are on the top floor.

    The brunettes are having the time of their lives, drinking and partying, when one says to her friend, “It’s very quiet upstairs.” So they go up to investigate.

    When they arrive, they see all the blondes staring toward the front of the bus and hanging on to the seats with utmost fear.

    A brunette asks, “What’s wrong?”

    A blonde replies, “It’s OK for you—you’ve got a driver!”

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  • 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

    “What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”
    “I’ll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.”

  • Curious Minds in the Park

    A boy and his father are walking in the park.

    The boy sees a male dog mounting a female dog. He asks his dad, “Dad, what are they doing?”

    Dad thinks for a second and says, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”

    This satisfies the boy’s curiosity, and they finish their walk.

    Later that night, the boy gets up for a drink of water. He passes his parents’ room, and they’ve carelessly left the door ajar. They’re face-to-face in the throes of passion.

    The little boy asks, “Dad, what are you and Mommy doing?”

    The startled dad hesitates for a second, looks up, and says, “Well, son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    And the kid says, “Well then, can you turn Mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

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  • One less drunk

    What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
    One less drunk!

  • An arm and a leg

    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks.
    It can cost you an arm and a leg.

  • Common Sense: The Deodorant of Wisdom

    Common sense is like deodorant… the people who need it most never use it.

  • Leashes and Revolutions: A Punny Comparison!

    What’s the difference between a dog leash and the French Revolution?
    One is a reign of terror, the other is a rein of terrier.

  • Big Potatoes and Dirty Secrets!

    Two Irish women were out in the field digging up potatoes.
    One of them pulls out a huge one and says, “Ah, it’s just like my husband’s penis.”
    The other gasps, “Oh? that big?”
    The first shakes her head and says, “No. That dirty.”

  • Half a Worm: The Ultimate Disappointment!

    What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
    Finding half a worm.