Joke Type: crude humor

Crude humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Walmart Twins

    A homely woman walks into Walmart with two children — a five-year-old boy and a ten-year-old boy.

    The greeter says, “Welcome to Walmart. Your boys must be twins.”

    The woman says, “What the hell makes you think they’re twins? One’s five and the other’s ten.”

    The greeter replies, “I just can’t imagine anyone fucking you twice.”

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  • She Farted and Flew Out the Window

    Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.

    She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

    The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned… how was it for you?”

    The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

    The first man asked, “How’s that?”

    “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”

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  • Duct Tape and a Gerbil

    Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?

    So that it doesn’t explode when you sodomize it.

  • Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary

    Dear Diary:

    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2
    Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

    Day 4
    A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

    Day 11
    The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

    Day 12
    I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

    Day 13
    I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

    Day 14
    Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

    Day 15
    I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

    Day 16
    I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

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  • Whoopee Cushion Gravy

    Whoopee Cushion Gravy

    A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke

  • Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

    Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

    Motorcycles’ curves never sag.

    Motorcycles last longer.

    Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.

    You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.

    Motorcycles don’t have parents.

    Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

    You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.

    You can share your motorcycle with your friends.

    If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

    You only need to get a new chain or belt for your motorcycle when the old one is really worn.

    If your motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

    Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

    When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

    Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have.

    Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.

    New motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.

    If your motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

    If your motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

    If your motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

    If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.

    You can have a beer while riding your motorcycle.

    You can have a black motorcycle and show it to your parents.

    You don’t have to be jealous of the guy who works on your motorcycle.

    You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your motorcycle.

    You don’t have to convince your motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think motorcycles are equals.

    If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.

    You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.

    Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.

    Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

    Motorcycles don’t insult you if you’re a bad rider.

    Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.

    Motorcycles don’t care if you’re late.

    You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.

    It’s always OK to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.

    If your motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

    You can’t get diseases from a motorcycle you don’t know very well.

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  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

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  • My Apologies

    When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas party.

    The office manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

    First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

    To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

    Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

    Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And boy, the water is sure cold!

    Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants — it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

    Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies’ room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

    To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

    Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic…

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  • The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink

    16. The pants you just wet are not your own.

    15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”

    14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”

    13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.

    12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.

    11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.

    10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.

    9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.

    8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.

    7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.

    6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.

    5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.

    4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

    3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.

    2. You squish when you blink.

    1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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