Joke Type: dirty humor

Dirty humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Two Brothers in the Kitchen

    Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide they are old enough to start trying some bad words. They head downstairs to their mum waiting in the kitchen.

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    The oldest says to her, “Hey bitch, get me some Cheerios.” Before he could blink, his mother slaps him across the head and shouts, “What did you say to me?! Go to your room right now and don’t come out!”

    She puts on her best mum smile and turns to the youngest. “Now… What would you like for breakfast this morning?”

    “I dunno, but it sure as fuck ain’t Cheerios!”

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  • Rover and Fifi

    Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.

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    Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.

    Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”

    Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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  • Little Johnny in the Park

    Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”

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    “Son, they’re making a puppy.”

    That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.

    “Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”

    “Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    “Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”

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  • Out with Grandmother

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

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    “What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” asked Grandma.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”

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  • Pet-Sitting a Pair of Dogs

    A woman is pet-sitting a pair of dogs, one male and one female. In the middle of the night she awakens to a loud commotion.

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    The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldn’t get them apart and was terrified.

    She called the local veterinarian and explained what was going on.

    The vet suggested, “Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I’ll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily.”

    “Are you sure it will work?”

    “It just worked on me!”

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  • Do women enjoy watching men masturbate

    Do women enjoy watching men masturbate

    DO WOMEN ENJOY WATCHING MEN MASTURBATE

    The ones on the 38 bus don’t.

  • Two Morticians at Lunch

    Two morticians were out having lunch.

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    The first one said, “I had this one girl yesterday whose clitoris was just like a pickle!”

    “Really!? That big?” said the second.

    “No! That salty!”

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  • Calling In Sick

    A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn’t believe him and calls him back.

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    The boss says, “You don’t sound sick.”

    The guy answers, “I’m in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

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  • Tied to the Railroad Tracks

    A guy was walking to a bar, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.

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    He gets to the bar. Friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.

    Friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, “I couldn’t find it.”

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  • The Missionary and the Chief

    There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.

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    But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.

    The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino. The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying: “Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”

    The chief cut him off, saying, “OK, I won’t tell about the baby, if you don’t tell about the sheep.”

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