Joke Type: dirty humor

Dirty humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • My favorite sex position is the JFK

    My favorite sex position is the JFK

    MY FAVORITE SEX POSITION IS THE JFK

    I SPLATTER ALL OVER HER WHILE SHE SCREAMS AND TRYS TO GET OUT OF THE CAR

  • Look, either we fuckn

    Look, either we fuckn

    LOOK, EITHER WE FUCKN

    OR I’M FUCKN

  • Overnight at the Grandkids

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.

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    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

    The grandson said, “I don’t think you should take one. They’re very strong and very expensive.”

    “How much?” asked Grandpa.

    “$20 a pill,” he replied.

    “I don’t care,” said Grandpa. “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

    The next morning, the grandson found $120 under his pillow.

    He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $20, not $120.”

    “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

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  • Walking Her to the Front Door

    A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.

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    “So?” he says.

    “So?” she replies.

    “So, how about a blowjob?”

    “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”

    “Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”

    “Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”

    “There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”

    “No way, it’s far too risky.”

    “But I love you so much.”

    A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

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  • Stop Fucking My Ass

    A priest and a voluptuous young woman were alone at the church.

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    “Ohhh, Father!” whispered the woman into his ear. “Don’t you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?”

    “Good heavens, my child, no!” cried the horrified priest. “Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who’s your husband.”

    “Fine, Father,” said the woman. “Then what about if I give you a blowjob instead?”

    “Lord have mercy, my child!” exclaimed the priest. “Don’t you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?”

    “You’re right, Father,” conceded the young woman. “So maybe I can give you a handjob?”

    “I wouldn’t dream of defiling you like that, child,” admonished the priest. “Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds.”

    Then the woman finally lost her patience:

    “ALRIGHT THEN, FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass, ’cause it’s hurting me a lot!”

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  • Her Mouth Would Be an Airport

    Her Mouth Would Be an Airport

    I’m not saying she is a whore, but if dicks had wings, her mouth would be an airport.

  • The Boss and the Thousand Dollars

    A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

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    She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”

    So she agreed.

    Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.

    “What happened?” he asked.

    She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”

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  • The Woman and the Discharge

    A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m getting too much discharge.”

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    The doctor said, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.”

    He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.

    “How does that feel?” he asked.

    “Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”

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  • Grandma in the Lineup

    A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…

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    One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

    The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

    Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

    Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

    When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

    Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

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  • The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp

    A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…

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    The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

    The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

    The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”

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