Joke Type: double entendre

Double entendre jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Petey Penguin and the Blown Seal

    Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.

    After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.

    With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.

    Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!

    Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!

    After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.

    “Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.

    “Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.

    “No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”

  • The Tech-Themed Restaurant

    I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.

    When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.

    The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.

    The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.

    After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.

    The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?

    Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.

    So I finally stopped the manager.

    “Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”

    He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”

  • The Sneezing Woman on the Flight

    A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.

    Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.

    A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.

    After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

    The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”

    The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”

    She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”

  • Confessions After the Ceremony

    A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.

    After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”

    The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”

    The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”

  • Your Feet Were Too Far Apart

    A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

    Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her coming to the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early?”

    “I was stung by a bee,” she said.

    “Where?” he asked.

    “Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

    He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”

  • The Siskel and Ebert

    A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.

    Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.

    “Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”

    “It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”

    “The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”

    “Two thumbs up!”

  • Little Johnny and the Mortgage

    Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:

    “Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”

    Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.

    His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”

    Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:

    “Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”

  • Right Up There

    Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it’s right up there!