Double entendre jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.
Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.
“Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”
“It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”
“The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”
“Two thumbs up!”
Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:
“Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”
Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.
His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”
Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:
“Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”
Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it’s right up there!
This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.
A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.
The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…
Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”
He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”
She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”
She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”
A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.
He’s feeling a bit mischievous and says, “You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s starting to look like that BBQ grill over there.”
The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, surprised.
She replies, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
What does Popeye and a can of sardines have in common?
They both come in olive oil.
A guy came to the doctor, asking if he could help get a golf ball out of his ass.
“I don’t think I can. It’s up a fairway.”
