Dentist: “You need to—”
Me: “I need to floss more.”
Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”
Me…
Dentist…
Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
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But I Like How Youre Thinking
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
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Tickets Please
Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.
“How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.
“Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.
They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.
Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants nod at each other, impressed.
After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.
To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.
“How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.
“Just watch,” the engineer replies.
On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.
The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.
In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”
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You Didnt Tell Me You Had a Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”
Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
“Aahhhhh!”
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.
“No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”
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The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack
There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.
Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:
“I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”
Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.
The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.
The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.
Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.
“Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”
“Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”
The pilot looks confused. “How?”
“The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”
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What the Hell Is a Pinata
Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don’t have it there.”
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin setting up in the square. As they construct the tower, a crowd assembles. More and more people gather to watch.
When they finish, the crowd is so large they decide to give a demonstration.
Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices cuts and scratches.
Joe fails to catch him. Al falls again, bounces, and comes up bruised and bleeding. Joe misses him again.
Al falls once more and bounces back up, this time badly injured with broken bones and nearly unconscious. Joe finally catches him and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?”
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I Thought Ye Said a Protestant
An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.
When she returns, her Father curses her badly.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”
“What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
“Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
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Ill Do the Fucking Dishes
So, this guy (let’s call him Tom) goes and buys a secondhand motor bike, and the man who sells it to him mentions that the clutch can be a little tight but there’s a trick, “Whenever you see rain coming, just put a little Vaseline on the clutch cables and it’ll keep it working smoothly. Here’s the half a jar I have left.” And he hands him a jar of Vaseline that has obviously been put through the paces.
Tom buys the bike and goes for a drive on this… perfect day. He picks up a hitchhiking gorgeous woman at some point, and when he drops her off, she invites him to come to her house later for a family dinner at around 7pm.
At 7 on the dot, Tom shows up to the babe’s house, rings the bell, and the woman he gave a ride to earlier in the day answers the door looking even sexier than she did earlier (if that’s even possible.) Before letting him in, she mentions that this will be a quiet dinner because the rule is, that whoever talks first will have to do the dishes. He walks in quietly, the entrance leads to the living room. There’s dirty dishes everywhere: The coffee table, the shelf, on top of the fireplace, on top of the T.V (yeah, this happened back when there were tops of Televisions…). From the living room into the kitchen, and the counters had dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling. The only clean area was the dining table, and plates were set. The babe shows Tom to his seat, and everybody starts eating quietly…
His date starts caressing his leg from under the table, slowly making her way to, well you know. Things get very arousing, and well, he doesn’t want to clean the dishes but he’s losing it… Eventually, he can’t take it anymore, so he grabs her, throws her on the table, rips her pants off and that he has his way with her, right there on the kitchen table in front of God and everybody. No one says a word. They sit back down and everybody goes back to eating like nothing happened. Shortly thereafter, his date’s sister starts playing footsies with him under the table. Tom grabs the sister, throws her on the table, and has his way with her as well. The mother then starts unbuttoning her blouse, and eating in very suggesting ways, so Tom throws the mother on the table and has his way with her as well. No one says a word…
After that, Tom was rather spent, and he looks outside, you could barely see through the dirty dishes and out the window, but it looked like rain was coming. So he reaches out in his jacket pocket, and pulls out his jar of Vaseline (thinking of his clutch)…
The father springs up into action immediately and says, “Alright, alright, put that thing away, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
