Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A priest and pastor are standing on the side of the road. They are holding a sign that reads, “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” And speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires — then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put a sign up that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”
St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
A woman asks her husband at breakfast, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says. “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”
At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?” He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m starving.”
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”
Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”
“It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.
“What does it do?” Mick asks.
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.
Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
“What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.
“It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.
“Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”
