How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, I know it’s more than six because my basement is still dark.
Sensitivity: Uncensored
Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Four Deviants in a Bar
A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar…
Sadist: “We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!”
Zoophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!”
Necrophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!”
Masochist: “BWAK BOK BOK BOK”
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You Should Be Hung
I was sitting down having a beer watching my wife mow the lawn, and this old lady came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”
I shouted back, “I am… that’s why she mows the lawn!”
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Call the Coroner
A prostitute at a brothel dies during intercourse.
The man runs downstairs, crying, “My God, she’s dead! What am I going to do?”
The Madam intercepts him. “Now just keep cool,” she says, “and I’ll call the coroner.”
“The coroner? What for? I can’t fuck him!”
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The Pain Transfer Machine
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor explained that he had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they would be willing to try it. Both of them were enthusiastic about the idea.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the husband had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, however, the husband felt perfectly fine and asked the doctor to increase it.
The doctor adjusted the machine to transfer 20% of the pain.
The husband still felt great.
Amazed, the doctor checked his blood pressure and found everything completely normal.
Since he was handling it so well, they decided to increase the transfer to 50%.
The husband continued to feel comfortable, and the pain relief was helping the wife considerably.
Encouraged by the results, the husband told the doctor to go ahead and transfer all of the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no discomfort.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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The Man Who Cracked Walnuts with His Penis
A traveling circus came to town, and a man decided to go see it. There were animals, clowns, jugglers — lots of impressive acts. But the most impressive performer was a man who could crack walnuts with his penis.
Twenty-five years later, the same circus returned. Curious, the man went back to see if that performer was still around.
Sure enough, there he was. Same act, but this time he was smashing coconuts instead of walnuts.
After the show, the man went backstage and said, “I remember you from 25 years ago. Back then you were cracking walnuts with your penis. Why did you switch to coconuts?”
The performer sighed and replied, “I’m getting old… My eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
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Hair Remover for the Schnauzer
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”
Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”
“Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.
The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”
The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”
And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”
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A Bird With Long Legs and a Tight Pussy
A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.
A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”
The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
