Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • I Told My Wife I Wanted to Be Cremated

    I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

    She made an appointment for Tuesday.

  • Husbands, if your wife does something wrong

    Husbands, if your wife does something wrong, just explain to her how your mom did it.

    She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as she did.

  • Friday Afternoon at the Bar

    A guy walked into his local bar one Friday afternoon right after clocking out of work.

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    Stepping up to the counter, he spotted his good friend Joe slamming back two double shots in a row, wearing a thoroughly miserable scowl.

    “What’s with the long face, Joe?” the guy asked, taking a seat beside him.

    Joe let out a heavy sigh. “My wife sat me down this morning and told me she’s putting me on a strict schedule. From now on, she’s only going to sleep with me on Mondays and Thursdays.”

    His buddy clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Come on, cheer up! Look on the bright side… she’s cut the rest of us off completely.”

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  • An Ad for a Husband

    A woman places an ad for a husband: Must not lay a hand to me, must not run around on me, and must be good in bed.

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    A couple of days later the doorbell rings and she answers the door.

    Sitting on her porch is a man in a wheelchair with no arms nor legs.

    She says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood the ad.”

    The man asks, “Why? I have no arms, so I won’t lay a hand to you, and I have no legs, so I won’t run around on you.”

    The woman replies, “But the ad also said you had to be good in bed.”

    The man says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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  • A Guy Comes Home from Work

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.

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    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid.”

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  • The Last Body of the Day

    A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.

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    He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”

    He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.

    She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”

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  • An Old Pal in Manhattan

    I was walking in Manhattan when I bumped into an old high school pal whom I hadn’t seen in twenty years. He was eager to show me photos of his new wife.

    “Here, check out my wife,” he said as he scrolled through a few photos on his phone. “Isn’t she hot?!”

    I replied, “If you think your wife is hot, you should see my wife.”

    “Is she hot too?”

    “Well yes, but she’s also an eye doctor!”

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  • Ted Meets the Missus

    Ted asks his colleague, “So Larry, when are you gonna have me over to meet the missus?”

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    “Well,” says Larry, “she’s very shy, and doesn’t love socializing.”

    “Ah come on Larry, it’ll be a quiet evening with just us three.”

    “Hmm, OK let me talk to her.”

    A few days later, Larry says, “OK I talked her into it, but you have to remember how hard this is for her. Promise me you won’t say anything that might upset her.”

    Ted says sure, of course, so they agree on dinner Friday at seven.

    Friday rolls around, and Larry meets Ted at his front door.

    “Welcome, Ted! Come on in, and just remember: we’re making a real effort here, so let’s have a nice quiet calm evening.”

    Ted agrees and walks through to the living room, where he stops dead in his tracks and shouts, “OH MY GOD LARRY YOUR WIFE IS A FUCKING TURTLE”

    Larry says, “Ted, look what you’ve done! Do you have any idea what it took to get her out of her shell?”

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  • You Can Always Tell

    You can always tell if a man masturbates a lot by looking at his hands…

    If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.

  • Three Men Comparing How Dumb Their Blonde Wives Are

    Three men were comparing how dumb their blonde wives were.

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    The first man said, “My wife is so dumb, she can’t do math past the third-grade level!”

    The second man said, “Oh yeah? My wife is so dumb, she thinks Cheerios are earrings!”

    The third man said, “I’ve got you both beat! My wife is so dumb, she was packing to go on a girls trip last week, and she must have packed a hundred condoms. And she doesn’t even have a single penis!”

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