Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Fifty Bucks Is Fifty Bucks

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

    Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

    Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50 bucks.”

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

    Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

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  • Viagra in the Coffee

    A New York woman asked her doctor how to bring sex back into her marriage.

    The doctor said, “Slip a Viagra into his coffee. He’ll never notice.”

    A few days later, she called and said, “Doctor, it was awful!”

    He said, “What happened?”

    She said, “Well, I put it in his coffee, and before I knew it he swept everything off the table, and we went at it like newlyweds!”

    The doctor said, “That doesn’t sound so awful.”

    She said, “Oh, the sex was wonderful but we’re banned from Starbucks!”

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  • Three Horse

    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife,

    He replied, “Three Horse.”

    “That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”

    The Indian replied, “It’s an old Indian name.”

    It means, Nag, Nag, Nag.

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  • Amazon Driver Work From Home

    My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home.

  • I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother

    A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.

    The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”

    As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”

    That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”

    At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”

    “Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”

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  • We’ve Been Lucky So Far

    Little Johnny and Sophia are only 12 years old, but they know they are madly in love.

    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Sophia’s father to ask him for her hand.

    Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Scaduto, me and Sophia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

    Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Scaduto replies, “Well, Johnny, you are only 12. Where will you two live?”

    Without a moment’s hesitation, Johnny replies, “In Sophia’s room. It’s a lot bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

    Mr. Scaduto says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sophia.”

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowances. Sophia makes $10 a week and I make $15 a week. Together that’s about $100 a month, so I figure that should do us just fine.”

    Mr. Scaduto is duly impressed that Johnny has put so much thought into this.

    “Well, Johnny, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out. I just have one final question. What will you do if the two of you should happen to have little children of your own?”

    Johnny shrugs and says, “Hey, we’ve been lucky so far!”

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  • Why Would Bob the Mailman Want That

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

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  • Almost Every Night

    Two elderly men were bragging about their sex lives while playing pool at the senior center.

    One says to the other, “Can you still have sex with your wife?”

    The other responds, “I still have sex with my wife about once a week. How many nights do you have sex with your wife?”

    The first man says, “Oh, we do it almost every night of the week.”

    “Incredible,” the other man repeated. “Almost every night?”

    “Yep,” he responded. “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”

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  • Not Another Breathalyser

    One day, while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

    He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

    “I’ve pulled you over for speeding, ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?”

    “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.

    After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

    “Now, may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

    “Registration… what’s that?” asked the blonde.

    “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.

    After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

    “I’ll be back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car.

    The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.

    After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

    “Yes,” replied the officer.

    “Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.

    “Uh… yes,” replied the cop.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

    “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate,” exclaimed the cop.

    “Trust me. Just do it,” said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs, “Ohh no… not another breathalyser…”

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  • She’s Expecting a Baby

    My buddy set me up on a blind date and said, “Just so you know… she’s expecting a baby.”

    I felt pretty stupid showing up to the restaurant wearing nothing but a diaper.

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