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Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

    Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

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    Motorcycles’ curves never sag.

    Motorcycles last longer.

    Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.

    You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.

    Motorcycles don’t have parents.

    Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

    You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.

    You can share your motorcycle with your friends.

    If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

    You only need to get a new chain or belt for your motorcycle when the old one is really worn.

    If your motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

    Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

    When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

    Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have.

    Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.

    New motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.

    If your motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

    If your motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

    If your motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

    If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.

    You can have a beer while riding your motorcycle.

    You can have a black motorcycle and show it to your parents.

    You don’t have to be jealous of the guy who works on your motorcycle.

    You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your motorcycle.

    You don’t have to convince your motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think motorcycles are equals.

    If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.

    You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.

    Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.

    Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

    Motorcycles don’t insult you if you’re a bad rider.

    Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.

    Motorcycles don’t care if you’re late.

    You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.

    It’s always OK to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.

    If your motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

    You can’t get diseases from a motorcycle you don’t know very well.

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  • Chunky Peanut Butter

    Chunky Peanut Butter

    David Veltri @Veltrida

    i don’t wanna be rude, but i’ve gathered enough info in my life to know that people who like chunky peanut butter like to be choked during sex

  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

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    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

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  • My Apologies

    When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas party.

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    The office manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

    First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

    To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

    Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

    Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And boy, the water is sure cold!

    Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants — it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

    Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies’ room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

    To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

    Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic…

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  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

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    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names

    15. Harvey Ballbuster

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    14. Gin & Colonic

    13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew

    12. Scabby Mary

    11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach

    10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist

    9. Bloody Navel

    8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity

    7. The Slutmaker

    6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk

    5. Long Island Iced Pee

    4. Screaming Hangover

    3. Buttery Pimple

    2. Elian on the Beach

    1. Sex with Your Wife

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Say It With Flowers

    Say It With Flowers

    “SAY IT WITH FLOWERS!”

    “I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS, ‘I’D LIKE TO STICK MY DICK BETWEEN YOUR TITS’”

  • Who Fucked Up Your Hair?

    A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

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    “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?”

    “We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

    “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”

    “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

    “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

    “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

    “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    “It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome twenty-eight-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

    “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

    “Oh, really! What’d he say?”

    He said, “Who fucked up your hair?”

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  • The Tide’s Coming In

    A man was sitting on the beach, all alone. He had no arms and no legs.

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    Three beautiful women came walking along and stopped.

    One asked him, “Have you ever been hugged?”

    “No,” he said. She knelt and gave him a really great hug, then walked on.

    Another woman asked, “Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he replied. She knelt and gave him a truly passionate kiss, then she followed the first lady.

    The third woman asked him, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    His pulse jumped, his breath caught, and his mouth got dry, and he said, “No.”

    “You will be. The tide’s coming in.”

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  • Another 67 of Them

    My girlfriend asked to do a 69.

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    I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Lie down and I’ll show you,” so she went to squat over my face.

    As she did, she farted and jumped up and said, “Sorry,” and then tried again. She then farted a second time.

    With that, I jumped up and said, “I’m fucked. I’m not hanging around for another sixty-seven of them.”

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