Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

Words Cannot Describe How Much This Bugs Me

I keep forgetting the difference between etymology and entomology…

…and words cannot describe how much this bugs me.

Magician: “And for my next trick, I will disappear!”

Magician: *holds pear*

“You’re the worst fruit ever!”

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 4 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 4 people without any problems?”

My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.

Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

If you came here expecting me to drop some awesome Star Wars puns today…

I’m afraid you’re looking in Alderaan places.

My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl until he found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

A pirate walks into a bar with a roll of paper towels on his head. The bartender asks, “What’s with the roll of paper towels on your head?”

The pirate says, “There’s Bounty on me head.”

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.

Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!

If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.

It tastes like ass.