Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

She spit it out

I gave my wife an orgasm yesterday…
…but she spit it out.

There’s a tornado in my area.
The sky was so black, it took my bike.

I got robbed today and called the police.
The cop asked if I had a description of the assailant.
I said, “Yeah, it’s pump number 5.”

My great-uncle Herb was a renowned gardener.
He was a legend in his own thyme.

Why did the short-sighted vampire refuse to get glasses?
He just couldn’t see himself wearing them.

There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”

“Big fucking steps.”

Evidently, that was NOT the answer.

I compared how I walked down the street drunk vs sober.
The difference was staggering.

What’s the three scariest words to hear while having sex?
“Honey, I’m home!”

Did you hear the one about the Irishman that stayed out all night?
Paddy O’Furniture!

I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women!