I tell people that the reason I’m packing away so much food is that I’m eating for two. I’m not pregnant or anything, but I do have this “Buy 1 Entree, Get 1 Free” coupon.
Meh Thoughts
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Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires
Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires were probably going to end up selling their blood down at the local clinic anyway.
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Our baby daughter always fights being laid into bed.
Our baby daughter always fights being laid into bed. Sure, it can be pretty annoying now, but I hope it takes at least 18 more years for her to outgrow it.
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Be careful when you hyperbolically joke that you’ve got something “up the wazoo,”
Be careful when you hyperbolically joke that you’ve got something “up the wazoo,” because sometimes those TSA agents won’t stop until they’ve found it.
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My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet.
My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet. I think she’s trying to tell me something.
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I scream a lot during sex.
I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers my husband, though, because I scream things like, “I really hate this wallpaper!!”
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Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman.
Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that’s just because I lost a bet at sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.
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International soccer needs some new marketing folks.
International soccer needs some new marketing folks. I’d have become a World Cup fan a decade or two earlier if I’d known about the drinking.
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Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who knew that we were the first country to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.
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My girlfriend and are into leaving notes for each other to find around the house.
My girlfriend and are into leaving notes for each other to find around the house. You know, the typical mushy stuff like “Honey, I love you!” “I can’t wait to see you tonight!” and “Flush the meth — the cops are outside the front door!”
