People label me as a narcissist because I go to the gym and tanning salon every day, but mark my words: They’ll be jealous when we’re all stranded on an isolated mountaintop and leathery-and-tough-meated Brad is viewed as the last one anyone would pick for eating.
Meh Thoughts
-
Now She Wants to Break Three
My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.
Now she wants to break three.
-
My girlfriend is going to dress up as a “naughty nurse” for the
My girlfriend is going to dress up as a “naughty nurse” for the Halloween party we’re attending. Awesome! When we get back home, tonight’s rectal thermometer session will be that much more authentic.
-
What’s the male equivalent of women’s intuition?
What’s the male equivalent of women’s intuition? Most likely, it’s hitting something really hard and seeing if it still causes a problem.
-
It Folded
After I invested all my spare cash into an origami business, it folded.
-
Jesus vs. a Frame of Jesus
What’s the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?
You can hang the frame with only one nail.
-
Why SeaWorld Closed
Why did SeaWorld close?
It was being reporpoised.
-
I gave my neighbor a bottle of wine when she moved in, and for a
I gave my neighbor a bottle of wine when she moved in, and for a goodbye gift I’m throwing an expired Lean Cuisine onto her lawn as I drive the fuck away.
-
Gorgeous as they are, I’m nevertheless terrified of looking at
Gorgeous as they are, I’m nevertheless terrified of looking at my girlfriend’s breasts. Maybe I have A-rack-nophobia.
