Tone: absurd

Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Detailed Deductions

    The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks and related deductions. What could be more fitting in this “tax time” time of year, when we tend to focus on such matters most?

    Example:

    Gross pay = $1,222.02
    Income tax = $244.40
    Outcome tax = $45.21
    State tax = $11.61
    Interstate tax = $61.10
    County tax = $6.11
    City tax = $12.22
    Rural tax = $4.44
    Back tax = $1.11
    Front tax = $1.16
    Side tax = $1.61
    Up tax = $2.22
    Tic-tacs = $1.98
    Thumbtacks = $3.93
    Carpet tacks = $0.98
    Stadium tax = $0.69
    Flat tax = $8.32
    Surtax = $3.46
    Corporate tax = $2.60
    Parking fee = $5.00
    FICA = $81.88
    TGIF fund = $9.95
    Life insurance = $5.85
    Health insurance = $16.23
    Dental insurance = $4.50
    Mental insurance = $4.33
    Reassurance = $0.11
    Disability = $2.50
    Ability = $0.25
    Liability = $3.41
    Unreliability = $10.99
    Coffee = $6.85
    Coffee cups = $66.51
    Floor rental = $6.85
    Chair rental = $0.32
    Desk rental = $4.32
    Union dues = $5.85
    Union don’ts = $3.77
    Cash advance = $0.69
    Cash retreats = $121.35
    Overtime = $1.26
    Undertime = $54.83
    Eastern time = $9.00
    Central time = $8.00
    Mountain time = $7.00
    Pacific time = $6.00
    Oxygen = $10.02
    Water = $16.54
    Heat = $51.42
    Cool air = $26.83
    Hot air = $20.00
    Miscellaneous = $113.29
    Various = $8.01

    Net Pay = $0.12

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

    We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should go to Helen Waite. Have a nice week.

    —The Boss

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  • Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

    Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

    Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!

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  • Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work

    • “Can you fax me a disk?”
    • “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
    • “Can I buy the Internet?”
    • “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
    • “I have a 464 with 8K.”
    • “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
    • “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
    • “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
    • “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
    • “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
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  • The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas

    16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.

    15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?

    14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.

    13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.

    12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.

    11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.

    10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.

    9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.

    8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.

    7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”

    6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”

    5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.

    4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!

    3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?

    2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?

    1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat

    Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.

    On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

    They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

    The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

    “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

    “Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”

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  • Jesus Christ! Are You Here Again?

    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.

    The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”

    The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

    The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

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  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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  • Beat the Shit Out of a Ghost

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell happened?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”

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  • The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer

    15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.

    14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”

    13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.

    12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

    11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

    10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”

    9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.

    8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.

    7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.

    6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”

    5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!

    4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.

    3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”

    2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.

    1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • It’s Friday

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

    “Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”

    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

    The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

    Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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