Tone: absurd

She turns to the class and says, “Today we’ll be looking at the word ‘definitely.’ Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement.”

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, “I am definitely going to the park after school today.”

“No, I would think there’s a good chance you’ll go to the park, but it might rain, so it’s not definitely.”

Little Billy raises his hand and says, “My team is definitely going to win the game this Saturday.”

“No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday, but wanting is not enough to make it definitely.”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?”

“No.”

“Then I definitely just shat myself.”