BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
KCCI NEWS 8
Tone: absurd
Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma
This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma
Ok. First off, THIS THING IS HUGE!!! I didn’t realize it when ordering. But When every one left the house one day I decided to give it the old college try. The suction cup works well, I had it stuck to my bedroom door. Ok, so when trying to use this it was really big and awkward. I was trying to back against it slowly letting my butt hole adjust to the massive width. I had my I-Pod Listening to “Eye of the Tiger” trying to get pumped for the whole thing. Well I didn’t hear my grandmother come home early and apparently i was making some noise rocking back on this Mega-Dong mounted to the door, and singing along to The Theme Song to Rocky. Well my Grandma comes to investigate and jerks my door open, which snatched the toy out of my butt bringing my sphincter with it. My grandmother Freaks and Slams the Door which POWER DRIVES this thing Up my anus all the way to the base. I’m Screaming in pain, and My grandmother is yelling holding her chest. Next thing I know she collapses. So there I am with a Bleeding, Prolapsed Butt hole and my grandma on the floor. I’m in so much pain and am freaking out worrying that I’ve killed her. So I crawled over to her and pushed her life alert button to send the paramedics, one of which was a new guy and when I tried explaining the story he literally pissed on himself laughing. Anyway they popped an ammonia capsule and brought my grandmother back. She seems ok but we haven’t made eye contact for 2 weeks and my butt is a little worse for wear. And when I fart now, it sounds like a Peterbilt 379 releasing its air brakes
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Minty Fresh Brains
I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.
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The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered
15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.
14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.
13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.
12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.
11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.
10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.
9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.
8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!
7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.
6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?
5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.
4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.
3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.
2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”
1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.
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Deer Priorities
Deer when they hear a twig snap within a 3 mile radius
Deer when a 25,000 lb semi truck is barreling at them at 80mph
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Family of Four
I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four
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Grey and Comes in Pints
What’s grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
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Quit Weed Thought I Was Deaf
What made you quit weed?
Replying to @Fifimacov
I watched the whole movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf
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Death by Unga Bunga
Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.
“You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.
The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.
The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.
The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”
Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.
The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.
“Death,” the explorer replies.
The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”
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Three Tough Rats
Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.
The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”
The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”
The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.
The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”
