Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

When life gives you fellatio, thank it profusely! Of course, you

When life gives you fellatio, thank it profusely! Of course, you ought to wait until you cum first, just in case life changes its mind and decides to give you blue balls instead.
Give a woman a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Tell her that she

Give a woman a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Tell her that she *smells* like fish and you’ll be wanking for months.
I miss those innocent days when my kids were babies and were

I miss those innocent days when my kids were babies and were tiny, sweet and full of giggles — and I could squirt milk out of my tits at the drive-thru cashier for funsies.
There’s a girl in my office who pipes up at the end of every

There’s a girl in my office who pipes up at the end of every sentence and tries to finish it for you. In response, I’ve started ending all my sentences with “that fucks a donkey.” It hasn’t really stopped her from trying to finish my sentences, but it’s gotten me a LOT of attention from the Human Resources folks.
I kind of understand my long-distance girlfriend’s sudden

I kind of understand my long-distance girlfriend’s sudden decision to want to sleep with local guys when I’m not around. Her desire to sleep with them when I *am* around is more troubling.
All of a sudden, my girlfriend is willing to try all sorts of

All of a sudden, my girlfriend is willing to try all sorts of stuff in bed that she’s never been interested in before. Woohoo! I’ve been waiting forever for– hey, what the hell?!?
I should never have told that chick on Craigslist that I was

I should never have told that chick on Craigslist that I was into humiliation. Right after she had HER orgasm, she took me to a bus stop and gave me $2 for fare.
Looking over my 401(k) statement recently made me queasy — even

Looking over my 401(k) statement recently made me queasy — even more so when I looked up to notice the smartphone-illuminated meth-mouth of the hooker who was riding me at the time.
I highly doubt they’ll be able to find 12 other bipolar

I highly doubt they’ll be able to find 12 other bipolar anal-insertion fetishist
There’s probably no clearer sign that you made the right

There’s probably no clearer sign that you made the right decision to meet with your doctor about your sex addiction than your masturbating to the breast-self-exam pamphlet in the waiting room.