Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like showering without Jerry Sandusky
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Fifty Bucks Is Fifty Bucks
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50 bucks.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
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Priests at a Police Checkpoint
Two priests are driving down the highway and they come across a police checkpoint. They roll the window down as the officer walks up to the car.
The officer leans into the car window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment then turn back to the officer and say, “We’ll do it.”
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Military Family Tradition
On the first day of boot camp, a US Army drill instructor lined up his recruits.
“I’m curious as to how many of you come from military families. Did anyone in your family serve?” He points at one recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My father served in Iraq during the War on Terror.”
“Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My grandfather served in Desert Storm.”
“Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.
“Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My great-great grandfather fought at Normandy!”
“Ah, the finest day in the history of the United States military,” the D.I. says. “1st Infantry? 82nd Airborne?”
“No sir,” the recruit answers. “The 21st Panzer division.”
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Waiting at the Bottom of the Bridge
A beautiful woman was upset with her life, and about to throw herself off a bridge.
Before she worked up the courage to make that final leap, an obscenely hideous, creepy, stinky homeless chud of a man approached. He got quite near to her and shouted, “WHAT’N THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She replied, “Get away from me, I’ve had it with this life and I’m going to die while I still have my dignity.” He says, “YOU AUGHTA LET ME BE THE LAST GUY TO FUCK YOU BEFORE YOU DIE.” She recoiled in horror and responded, “There is absolutely no way that will be my last act on this earth, now leave me in peace!” He says, “OKAY LADY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I’LL JUST GO WAIT FOR YOU AT THE BOTTOM DOWN THERE.”
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I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother
A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”
As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”
That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”
At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”
“Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”
