Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Three Women At The Gynecologist

    Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

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    “What was that?” the others asked her.

    “Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy.”

    A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

    “What was that?” the others asked.

    “Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong.”

    They continued knitting. Finally, the third woman took a pill.

    “What was that?” the others asked her.

    “It was thalidomide,” she said. “I just can’t get the arms right on this fucking sweater!”

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  • Three Captured Spies

    A Russian spy, an American spy, and an Italian spy were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell.

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    The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair, and started asking him questions about the nation’s secrets, codes, and plans. The American refused, but after two continuous hours of brutal torture, he finally gave up and gave them everything he had.

    They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country’s confidential information. The Russian refused. After five continuous hours of gory, sick, and disturbing torture, even the Russian gave up and gave them everything he had.

    Then they moved onto the Italian. After eight hours of bloody, indescribable torture, the Italian hadn’t said a word. The terrorists grew tired and left the three to rot together.

    The American turned to the Italian and asked, “Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?”

    The Russian was also shocked. “Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!”

    The Italian, with tears rolling down his face, replied, “I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied.”

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  • I’d Rather Watch a Video of My Conception

    I think I’d rather watch a video of my conception than watch another debate.

  • The Road to Hell Is Paved

    The road to hell is paved. What more do you need to know?

  • ’Twas the Night Before Christmas

    ’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring due to the carbon monoxide being given off by the defective space heater.

  • World Kindness Day and International Day for Tolerance

    November 13th is World Kindness Day. November 16th is International Day for Tolerance. Trust me, you do NOT want to confuse them.

  • I’m Concerned About Syrian Refugees Being Sent to Alabama

    I’m concerned about the Syrian refugees being sent to Alabama. Haven’t these poor people suffered enough?

  • People Magazine and the Sexiest Man

    Hey, People Magazine! Unless you’re worried about angry letters from necrophiliacs, you can just say “Sexiest Man.”

  • The Cat On The Roof

    A wife goes on vacation and asks her husband how her cat is doing.

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    The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

    She tells him he should have broken the news gently by saying the cat was on the roof and they couldn’t get her down.

    Then she asks how her mother is doing.

    The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

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  • An Electric Fence

    An elderly husband asks his wife if she remembers the first time they had sex behind the village tavern. They return to the fence, and a policeman secretly follows them.

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    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. They erupt into furious sex against the fence, then collapse afterward.

    The amazed policeman asks their secret.

    The old man replies, “Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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