Why doesn’t Jesus drink?
Because the last time he got hammered, it took him 3 days to recover.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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One Snatches Watches
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches.
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It Fall Off by Itself
A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.
Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.
He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”
The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.
After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”
The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”
The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”
The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”
The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”
The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”
The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”
The guy pauses. “And then?”
The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”
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Not Pay Off My Student Debt
A college student is walking on the beach when he finds a magic lamp with a genie inside.
So the college student says, “I want to be the richest man in the world.”
The genie snaps his fingers and responds, “Sure. You now have a billion dollars.”
The college student frowns and says, “That’s great and all, but I said the richest man in the world, not pay off my student debt.”
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Rollerblades in Heaven
Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.
The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”
The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”
He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”
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If It Gets Any Worse I’ll Have to Let Her In
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the window.
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
