Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My wife and I were discussing our eventual deaths…
I said my worst fear was dying alone, and that I wanted the last thing I hear to be her telling me she loves me.
She gave me a big hug, said, “I love you,” and then waited.
After a couple of seconds, she shook her head and said, “Well, that didn’t work.”
A morgue worker died today.
But he’ll be back at work tomorrow.
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.
I think she’s bluffing.
Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.
While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked.
He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge’s penis that he called his assistant in.
“Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing’s gotta be the size of a baseball bat!” the assistant commented.
Later that night, the mortician commented to his wife, “I worked on the body of an old man today. I swear what he was packing was the size of a baseball bat!”
His wife’s eyes widened and she said, “Mr. Rutledge died?”
There’s a tornado in my area.
The sky was so black, it took my bike.
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”
“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
What’s the three scariest words to hear while having sex?
“Honey, I’m home!”
My husband and I were happy for 20 years.
And then we met.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
