Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
I rode my bicycle to buy alcohol.
I bought a whiskey and was about to ride home, but I thought, what if I fall off my bike and the bottle breaks?
I decided then and there I’d drink it all up before I rode home. Good thing I did, because I fell off my bicycle seven times.
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship.
He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was continually changing, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most of his time out on the promenade deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day, the captain bought a parrot and, over the months, brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks—where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act.
The bird would say, “The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe…”
Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.”
To put it mildly, he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the captain’s, he couldn’t do anything about it.
Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log—his arch-nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days, and neither said a word, just glared.
On the fourth day, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.
The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.
The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.
Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.
Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
The Rectum Stretcher
There was a middle-aged blonde lady speeding down the highway in a red sports car. She accelerated while crossing a bridge, figuring she didn’t have to worry about speed traps.
At the end of the bridge, there was a cop hidden behind a bunch of bushes. His radar gun tagged her at 95 mph. He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s the hurry?”
She said, “I’m late to work.”
The cop asked, “What do you do?”
The lady responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
The cop chuckled, winked at her, and asked, “Now just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”
Without missing a beat, she took the opportunity to explain. “Our clients come into our office wanting their rectum stretched. We lube up their assholes until we can get two fingers in there, then we wiggle those fingers around and stretch it until we can get our entire hand inside.”
The cop was in disbelief at this point and let his mouth drop open. Disgusted but intrigued, he continued to listen.
She continued, “After we get back from lunch and the patients have had some time to rest, we put our hands back in their butthole and continue the back-and-forth stretching until we can get both hands inside. Once that’s accomplished, we proceed to stretch their rectum until it’s about six feet long!”
The cop, disheveled and in disbelief, raised his voice and said, “COME ON, LADY! NOW JUST WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH A SIX-FOOT ASSHOLE?”
She replied, “You give it a radar gun and stick it behind a bridge.”
A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.
Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.
The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.
“Anything?” asks the man.
“Anything you want,” they reply.
The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”
Three guys from San Francisco are in a hot tub when suddenly a large blob of semen rises to the top.
One of the guys stands up, angry, and asks, “Okay, WHO farted?”
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village when suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush.
The first nun screams to her friend, “Quick, show it your cross!”
“Get the fuck out of the way!” she yells.
So there are these three pregnant women in the OB-GYN’s waiting room: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all knitting baby sweaters.
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the redhead pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the redhead says. “This is just calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones.”
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the brunette pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the brunette says. “This is just vitamin C. I want my baby to have a strong immune system.”
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the blonde pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the blonde says. “This is just thalidomide. I can’t get the arms on this sweater right.”
A gorilla spots a lion bent over a stream taking a drink. He sneaks up behind him, does his thing, and takes off running. Furious, the lion chases him through the jungle.
The gorilla gets ahead and runs into a safari camp, quickly throws on some khakis, grabs a newspaper, and sits by the fire pretending to read.
Moments later, the lion bursts into camp, roaring, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
Without looking up, the gorilla says, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion gasps, “Oh my god! It’s in the paper already?!”
I asked my best friend to be my wingman and boast about me while I was talking to a girl I like.
It backfired horribly when he told her I’m the best sex he ever had.
