Every time I lock my keys in the car, I’m thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A lot of things changed
When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
Like my name, my phone number, and my address. -
Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!
The Drums, the Drums!
Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.
The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.
The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.
The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.
Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,
“Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”
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Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.
Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”
St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”
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We don’t want any kids
My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.
We’re going to tell them in the morning.
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It definitely wouldn’t be this one
I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.
He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”
Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”
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Bike Wrecks and Whiskey Checks!
I rode my bicycle to buy alcohol.
I bought a whiskey and was about to ride home, but I thought, what if I fall off my bike and the bottle breaks?
I decided then and there I’d drink it all up before I rode home. Good thing I did, because I fell off my bicycle seven times.
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Parrot Knows the Trick of the Cruise!
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship.
He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was continually changing, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most of his time out on the promenade deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day, the captain bought a parrot and, over the months, brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks—where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act.
The bird would say, “The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe…”
Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.”
To put it mildly, he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the captain’s, he couldn’t do anything about it.
Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log—his arch-nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days, and neither said a word, just glared.
On the fourth day, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
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Grateful Skin: A Love Story!
A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.
The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.
The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.
Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.
Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
