me, an introvert
the uber driver who didn’t talk the entire ride
Tone: humor
Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
“I was working smarter – not harder.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
“I’m in the management training program.”
“I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
“Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.” -
Bud Bowl
I kind of miss the “Bud Bowl” — not because I watched it so much as because I enjoyed hearing my stoner roommates snicker in between handfuls of Funyuns every time the phrase was uttered on TV.
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No Smoking Bad Sex
NO SMOKING
“I’ve got to give you credit. How you can squeeze that much bad sex into 2 minutes, is beyond me.”
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The Pizza Delivery Guy
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make three hundred dollars a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay — now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
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How Aging Affects Belt Height
HOW AGING AFFECTS BELT HEIGHT…
YOUTH ADULT MIDDLE-AGE OLD AGE
Reynolds
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Engineering Interview
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!
Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?
Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.
Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?
Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?
Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?
Interviewer (impatiently): Well?
Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!
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You Gotta Fax Your Ass to Corporate
This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker.
Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of us guys kept the card in our back pocket and just pressed our ass against the pad to unlock the door.
A temporary worker was hired and we were surprised (and happy) to find that it was a young woman. Her first few days went by and one of us always happened to be nearby when she wanted in. I walked up one day and caught her rubbing her ass against the door pad — which didn’t unlock the door, since she didn’t have a card.
As I pressed my butt against the pad to let us both in, I told her, “You gotta fax your ass to corporate before you can get in this way.”
