Tone: humor

Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Wrong Plane

    During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away.

    Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement: “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”

    A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said. “Wrong plane.”

    A true story.

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  • Technical Experiences

    Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

    Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

    Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

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  • Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work

    • “Can you fax me a disk?”
    • “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
    • “Can I buy the Internet?”
    • “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
    • “I have a 464 with 8K.”
    • “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
    • “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
    • “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
    • “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
    • “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
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  • The Cup Holder on My PC Is Broken

    Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

    Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

    Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

    Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

    Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

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  • Quotable Beer Quotes

    “If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, it makes the beer shoot out of your nose.” — Jack Handy

    It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.

    Beer — it’s just not for breakfast anymore.

    Beer — Nature’s laxative.

    “One more and I’ll be under the host.” — Dorothy Parker

    “Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.” — Dave Barry

    “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” — Humphrey Bogart

    “Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” — David Moulton

    “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” — Edward Abbey

    “People who drink ‘light’ beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery, WI

    “Put it back in the horse!” — H. Allen Smith, after his first American beer

    “On the seventh day He brewed beer.” — Bill Bradshaw

    Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

    “I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

    “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields

    Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

    The problem with jails is they have the wrong type of bars in there.

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  • Stages of Drunkenness

    Stage 1 — SMART

    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 — GOOD LOOKING

    This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 — RICH

    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 — BULLET PROOF

    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 — INVISIBLE

    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

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  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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  • I Got in the Back Seat by Mistake

    A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

    “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

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  • Need a Drink?

    A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

    “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

    So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!

    The phone rings. It’s his buddy.

    The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

    And he says, “I feel great!”

    And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”

    And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”

    And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”

    He says, “What’s that?”

    And he says, “Did you fart yet?”

    “What??”

    “Did you fart yet??”

    “No…”

    And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

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  • More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

    You fall off the floor quite often.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.

    Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.

    You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.

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