Tone: humor

Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Wrong Side of the Bed

    Sister Margaret gets out of bed, puts her robe and slippers on and heads out to the bathroom. As she passes, Sister Mary-Catherine says, “Good morning Sister Margaret, I see that you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Sister Margaret is puzzled — she doesn’t feel upset or angry and doesn’t think she looks like she’s in a bad mood. So she puts on a smile and continues on her way. Then she sees Sister Mary-Constance who says, “Good morning Sister Margaret, I see that you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Again, she’s puzzled. Then she sees the Mother Superior who greets her the same way: “Good morning Sister Margaret, I see you’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

    Finally Sister Margaret has had ENOUGH! “Mother Superior, why is everyone saying that I look like I got up on the wrong side of the bed?”

    “Because you’re wearing the Monsignor’s slippers, my dear.”

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  • Two Percent On Math Quiz Called Milk

    Two Percent On Math Quiz Called Milk

  • Eye Of The Tiger First Time Gym

    Eye Of The Tiger First Time Gym

  • 50 Ways To Eat Cock

    50 Ways To Eat Cock

  • Tryna Workout At Home

    Tryna Workout At Home

  • Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

    His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

    Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”

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  • Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

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  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

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