Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.
A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy.
The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
And he says, “I feel great!”
And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”
And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”
And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”
He says, “What’s that?”
And he says, “Did you fart yet?”
“What??”
“Did you fart yet??”
“No…”
And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
