Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Stages of Drunkenness

    Stage 1 — SMART

    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 — GOOD LOOKING

    This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 — RICH

    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 — BULLET PROOF

    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 — INVISIBLE

    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

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  • That ID Is a Few Years Old

    A long, long time ago, when I was nineteen or twenty, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

    He looked at it and said, “You have to be twenty-one to get in here.”

    I replied, “That ID is a few years old.”

    He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.

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  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”

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  • Jesus Christ! Are You Here Again?

    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.

    The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”

    The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

    The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

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  • Send ’Em Out One at a Time

    Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O’Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. “I’m not giving you another free beer!” Rooney hollered as he noticed O’Malley.

    The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. “I been noticing these flies for the last few weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll kill every one of them for you.”

    Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O’Malley got up and headed for the door.

    “All right,” he shouted, “Send ’em out — one at a time!”

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  • It Must Be an Inside Job

    A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

    “Nope,” came the reply.

    Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

    The man also replied, “Nope.”

    “Then it must be an inside job,” he murmured.

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  • I Got in the Back Seat by Mistake

    A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

    “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

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  • Over Here on the Swing

    A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    “Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

    “Who was that?” asked his wife.

    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

    “Did you help him?” she asks.

    “No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.

    “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

    The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

    “Yes,” comes back the answer.

    “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

    “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

    “Where are you?” asks the husband.

    “Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.

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  • Need a Drink?

    A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

    “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

    So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!

    The phone rings. It’s his buddy.

    The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

    And he says, “I feel great!”

    And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”

    And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”

    And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”

    He says, “What’s that?”

    And he says, “Did you fart yet?”

    “What??”

    “Did you fart yet??”

    “No…”

    And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

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  • Alcohol Warnings

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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