When it’s only been 48
hours and you’ve eaten
your entire coronavirus
stockpile
Tone: relatable
Relatable humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Coronavirus Stockpile
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A Toddler’s Promise
My 3 year old asked how long he had
to wait until he could stop listening to
me. I told him he had to listen to me for
the rest of his life. He looked me dead
in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you
for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are
cold-blooded, man. -
A Doctor’s Diagnosis
Doc: looks like you’re pregnant
girl: i’m pregnant ?
Doc: no it just looks like you are -
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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Nudist Contemplation
As I folded the third load of laundry this morning, I contemplated on becoming a nudist.
Then I remembered what I look like naked, and I kept folding…
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Billy Ray and the Bottom Deodorant
Billy Ray walks into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist for some “Bottom deodorant” for his bottom.
“Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant,” the pharmacist replies, trying to keep from laughing.
“Yeah but I always buy it here,” Billy Ray says. “I bought one last month. My wife gets hers from here too!”
Curious, the pharmacist suggests, “Look, I don’t know what y’all bought before, but maybe you can bring in the empty one of what y’all had next time you come in.”
“Sure thing,” Billy Ray says. “I’ll bring it in tomorrow.”
The next day, Billy Ray walks into Walgreens again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick.
“This is just a normal deodorant,” the man tells Billy Ray. “To use under your arms.”
“Oh no it is not,” Billy Ray answers. “Look here where it says: TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”
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Bring Your Child to Work Day
I took my eight-year-old girl to the office with me on Bring Your Child to Work Day.
As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my colleagues gathered round, she sobbed: “But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
