My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out.
Now I don’t know what to do with all the extra tacos.
Tone: relatable
Relatable humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Id Like to Be Eight Again
A man was sitting on the side of the bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked her what she would like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park… the death slide, the wall of fear, the screaming roller coaster… just to name a few.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and fell into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile, “What was it like to be eight again?”
She opened her eyes, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.
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She Got in the Back Seat by Mistake
An elderly Floridian calls 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains the situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!”
“Stay calm,” says the dispatcher. “An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in:
“Disregard. She got in the back seat by mistake.”
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Because I Don’t Do Any of These Things
Nobody sees the 5am runs.
Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.
Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.
Because I don’t do any of these things.
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Traumatized by the Ninth Grade
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
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No Honey, No Butter
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
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The Last Thing You Want to Hear
When I was getting my physical, at one point the doctor told me I’d feel a small prick.
Definitely the last thing you want to hear before a prostate exam.
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Some Really Terrible Things for Money
In my day, I’ve done some really terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
