Tone: relatable

Relatable humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Buying Gifts for Men

    Buying Gifts for Men

    Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

    Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

    Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

    Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

    Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

    Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

    Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

    Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

    Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

    Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)

    Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

    Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

    Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

    Rule #13: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

    Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

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  • Because Im a Guy

    Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

    Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

    Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

    Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

    Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

    Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

    Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

    Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

    Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

    Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

    Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

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  • A Penny for Your Thoughts

    One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

    “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

    “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

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  • Im Monica

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

    The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

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  • More Fun to Stand Up and Yell

    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

    “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

    “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

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  • Pretend Im Not Home

    My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.

    Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

    “That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

    A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh… what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

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  • See Mom Its Just Gas

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.

    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

    While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.

    Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time, “MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?”

    This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!”

    While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

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  • Fear Factor Talk About Feelings

    Fear Factor Talk About Feelings

  • Annoying Creatures Summer

    Annoying Creatures Summer

  • Not Pay Off My Student Debt

    A college student is walking on the beach when he finds a magic lamp with a genie inside.

    So the college student says, “I want to be the richest man in the world.”

    The genie snaps his fingers and responds, “Sure. You now have a billion dollars.”

    The college student frowns and says, “That’s great and all, but I said the richest man in the world, not pay off my student debt.”

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