Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Secretary of Defense

    If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.

  • Not Really Celebrities

    As with “Joe Millionaire,” I can’t wait until the last episode of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” when the players candidly admit to America that they lied and they’re not really celebrities after all.

  • Russian Condom Crisis Gets American Solution

    Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

    “Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

    “I do need your help,” said Gorbachev. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

    “Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

    “Oh, and one more small favor, please?”

    “Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”

    “No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.

    “I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

    “Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

    “Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

    “Easily done. Anything else?”

    “Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Cola Wars

    Call me embittered, but I lost a mother and two brothers to the Cola Wars, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose my pop!

  • Check Fraud Gets Creative With Rental Excuse

    A man went to a woman in a bar and offered her 500 dollars for sex. He said that he did not have the money on him but he would mail her a check the next day. She agreed. The next day, the man changed his mind and had his secretary mail a check for 250 dollars with the following note:

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Dear Madam, Here is money I owe for the apartment you showed me. You will note that it is less than the agreed upon amount because when I rented the apartment I was under the following assumptions…
    that it was heated, that it had never been rented before and that it was much smaller than it was.

    The woman promptly replied with, “Sir, here is your check back. As for the apartment, it is heated, you simply did not know how to turn it on. Secondly, how could you ever think that such a beautiful apartment would sit vacant? And as for the size, it was just right and not my fault that you did not have the furniture to fill it!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Wife’s Witty One-Liner Demolishes Husband’s Request

    A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: “Could we make love, please dear?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Not tonight, darling, I’ve got a splitting headache,” she replied.

    “Please, I’ll only stick it in for a minute,” pleaded her husband.

    His wife retorted: “What do you think I am, a fuckin’ microwave?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Shorten Winter, Lengthen Summer

    I’m disappointed that some clever capitalist hasn’t come up with a way to sell a product that shortens winter and lengthens summer. It would probably require exploiting the working class, though, so maybe it’s just as well.

  • Huh? Magazine

    I’ve been thinking of starting a magazine called “Huh?” for people suffering permanent memory loss. To save money, I could just publish the same issue every month.

  • Demented Exhibitionist Guy

    I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”

  • Why Flirt When Theres Life Alert

    Why Flirt When Theres Life Alert

    why flirt?

    when there’s life alert?

    you gotta stop doing this Edna

    hey there big bay