10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Application for Employment
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users
Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”
User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”
Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”
User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”
Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”
User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”
Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”
User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”
Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”
User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”
Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”
User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”
User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”
Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”
Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”
Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”
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Quotable Beer Quotes
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, it makes the beer shoot out of your nose.” — Jack Handy
It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.
Beer — it’s just not for breakfast anymore.
Beer — Nature’s laxative.
“One more and I’ll be under the host.” — Dorothy Parker
“Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.” — Dave Barry
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” — Humphrey Bogart
“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” — David Moulton
“A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” — Edward Abbey
“People who drink ‘light’ beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery, WI
“Put it back in the horse!” — H. Allen Smith, after his first American beer
“On the seventh day He brewed beer.” — Bill Bradshaw
Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
The problem with jails is they have the wrong type of bars in there.
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Intellectual Reasons for Drinking Alcohol
Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make Things Up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.”
Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
(Note: Always make up exact figures.) If an opponent asks where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?”
Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bathhouse.”
Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-à-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as q.e.d., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for “I speak Latin and you do not.”
Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.
The best are:
- You’re begging the question
- You’re being defensive
- Don’t compare apples and oranges
- What are your parameters?
(This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.)
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You’re being defensive.
Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring up Hitler subtly.
Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Hitler.”
Now you know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
