Israel Health Minister Yaakov Litzman, who previously claimed that the coronavirus was “divine punishment against homosexuality,” has tested positive for the virus.
I said, “Well, you ain’t that straight.”
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Government Can See You Through Your Webcam
worm on a string @sunsetdrive_
“the government can see you thru ur webcam” whatre they gonna do? watch me jack off and cry? woah im so scared.
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Wife on a Dating Site
Dude, you better come see this. Your wife is on a dating site
That lying bitch!
She is not “fun to be around”
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The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump
17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido
16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary
15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld
14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse
13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness
12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge
11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS
10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse
9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.
8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra
7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain
6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly
5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.
4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!
3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit
2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress
1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest
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Try again, Einstein
Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my favorite parking space at work, so I keep keying the sides of his car. And each morning, he shows up again with it painted a new color and with a different license plate, just to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!
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Show Him Your Badge
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.
I replied, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer exploded. “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”
Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face.
“See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked, no answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like the officer would get gored before he made it to safety.
So I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!”
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Jesus: How Do You Celebrate My Resurrection? So There’s This Huge Fuckin Bunny
Jesus: how do you guys celebrate my resurrection?
me: uhh..
Jesus: something cool right?
me:
Jesus:
me: so there’s this huge fuckin bunny
