Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • eBay Is So Useless

    eBay is so useless.

    I tried looking up lighters, and all they had was 13,749 matches.

  • Which President Said That?

    A little boy was sitting in class. The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon and there was nothing left to do for the week, she’d let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The teacher said, “Okay class, which president said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself’?”

    Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: “OOH! OOH! I KNOW!”

    Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said, “Franklin Roosevelt.”

    “Very good, Julie, you can go,” the teacher replied. “Okay class, which president said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country’?”

    Again, little Timmy’s hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. “OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!”

    Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said, “John Kennedy.”

    “Very good, Sally, you may leave also.” The teacher asked again, “Okay class, which president said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall’?”

    Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted, “Ronald Reagan!”

    Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself, “I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!”

    The teacher heard and shouted, “WHO SAID THAT?!?”

    Timmy jumped up: “Bill Clinton! Can I go now?”

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  • The Top 11 Celebrity Secret Santa Gifts

    11. J.J. Abrams — money silos to store all the coin Disney will throw at him to direct a future “Star Wars” movie

    10. Tom Brady — a pressure cooker

    9. Tom Brady — Federal Reserve action to prevent deflation

    8. Bernie Sanders — combo campaign/get off my lawn signs

    7. North West — witnessing a horrible crime so Witness Protection can change her name and reassign her to a nice, suburban, middle-class family from the Kansas City area

    6. Jim Gilmore — a mirror, so someone would see him

    5. Renée Zellweger — her old face back

    4. Ben Carson — a good campaign surgeon

    3. Gwyneth Paltrow — a steam cleaner

    2. Reince Priebus — balls

    1. Miss Piggy — a dry rub

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  • 4 Tips for Guys for Successful Relationships

    1. It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

    2. It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

    3. It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.

    4. It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.

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  • What’s the Catch? There It Is

    What’s the Catch? There It Is

    YOU MATCHED WITH [redacted] ON 3/31/19

    You’re cute 🙂 but what’s the catch?

    Wow what a healthy attitude towards women

    There it is

  • Spotify Hackers Threaten Nickelback List

    Spotify Hackers Threaten Nickelback List

    BFF @YrfBFF

    Damn you, hackers! Is nothing sacred!?

    Spotify Hackers Threaten to Reveal Full List of Users Who Listen to Nickelback

    By Jesse McLaren August 21, 2015

    New York, NY- The stock market remains in chaos as a hacker group makes yet another threat to reveal sensitive information from music streaming service Spotify’s databases. This comes one week after the outing of a Florida Congressman as a subscriber to various Creed playlists

    PHOTO: Nickelback posing in truckstop bathroom.

  • Not an Excused Absence

    Not an Excused Absence

    ur local ugh dealer @void_daddy_

    yeah ok sure, when jesus disappears for three days then comes back, it’s ‘beautiful’ and ‘a miracle,’ but when I do it, it’s ‘alarming’ and ‘not an excused absence’

  • Beat Up a Fifth Grader

    I don’t think I’d do very well on that TV show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

    But if they ever have a spin-off called, “Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?” I’ll bet I could score some nice consolation prizes.

  • Stress Relief

    Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

    She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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  • White People Just Better at It

    White People Just Better at It

    RACISM EXISTS AMONG ALL RACES IN THE WORLD…

    WHITE PEOPLE ARE JUST BETTER AT IT, LIKE MOST THINGS.