I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.
15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.
14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.
13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.
12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.
11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!
10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.
9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.
8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.
7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.
6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.
5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.
4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.
3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”
2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.
1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.
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A complete prick
When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.
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I doubt they’d do it more than once
If the company that makes Q-Tips was really serious about wanting us only using them on the outsides of our ears, they’d make the little stick come to a needle-sharp point. People would still poke them into the canal, but I kind of doubt they’d do it more than once.
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Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)
13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.
12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.
11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”
10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.
9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.
8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.
7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.
6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.
5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.
4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.
3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.
2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.
And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…
1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.
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Before and After Marriage
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
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Top 12 Things We Are Most Thankful for This Year
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
