I think I got ripped off.
I just paid $15 for the “Where’s Waldo” audio book.
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Waldo: Worth It or Just a Rip-Off?
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Born without a chin
Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.
“Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”
Johnny nods obediently.
They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:
“When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”
“Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”
“Will he wash his own bedsheets?”
“Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”
“And will he iron them too?”
“Yes, he’ll iron them.”
“And put them away in the closet?”
“Obviously, where else would they go?”
“So, how is he going to fold them?”
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Princess No More: An Alliance in Love
My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France. -
Size Matters: Love, Laughter, and Wardrobe Woes
You know how your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits your wife’s clothes. -
Lawyers vs. Catfish: A Scummy Comparison!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a lowdown scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
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Single, huh?
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
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The tired lawyer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
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Mormon and Irishman
A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.
Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.
Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
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Respectful Farewell or Evidence Elimination?
So when they burn a body at the crematorium, it’s “a respectful farewell to the departed.”
But when I do it, it’s “destroying evidence.”
