Quick tip for those who are struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not
Stay tuned for more tips.
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
The Lesser of Two Evils
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”
I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”
-
That Bar Shit Is Over
My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”
“You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.
“Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”
“You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.
“Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.
“But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”
Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….
-
A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
-
One More Time
A doctor tells his patient, “I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning.”
The man goes home and tells his wife — it’s tragic, but there’s nothing to be done.
They go to bed… he’s reflecting on his life… and looks at his wife, and thinks… one more time. He wakes her up… and they make love.
She goes back to sleep, but he can’t sleep… and he looks at her again… and thinks… I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.
She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy… and he nudges his wife again… “How about it?”
She looks at him angrily and says, “LOOK. I have to get up in the morning… YOU don’t!”
