Notice to all those who thought I have no life: Yesterday, I sent three tweets to Facebook, videotaped myself doing that, uploaded the clip to YouTube, then boasted about it in Second Life. Beat that, losers.
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Types of Men
Types of men…
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreamsThe Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction -
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes — what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
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Dumb Men Jokes Volume 4
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped. -
Dumb Men Jokes Volume 3
How do you get a man to do situps?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles…What kind of clothes are there?
Women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)Why do Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs…How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk…What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises?
They miss them all.What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep from grazing.Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard. -
Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them. -
Men’s English
Men’s English
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.
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If Men Rewrote The Rules
If Men Rewrote The Rules.
Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then … give him a Blow Job4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails … Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
