Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The New Rules

    A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.

    After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

    His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

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  • Saturday Night With Ned

    My neighbor Ned cornered me in the driveway and grinned like a maniac.

    “Oi, come over Saturday night, mate. It’s gonna be mental — bit of drinking, bit of fighting, bit of fucking!”

    I lit up. “Hell yeah! What time?”

    Ned shrugged, still smiling.

    “Don’t matter. It’ll just be you and me.”

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  • Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar

    A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

    “Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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  • That Lion Got Himself Into This Mess

    A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

    One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

    In a state of worry, she awakens her husband, and they both set off to find the old woman.

    Suddenly, they break into a clearing, and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

    “Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

    “Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

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  • The Same Place You Got That Train From

    My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.

    The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”

    I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”

    The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”

    I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”

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  • Bald Bitches

    Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.

    Husband: Okay?

    Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.

    Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?

    Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.

    Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.

    Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.

    Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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  • Is a Finger in the Ass Really Necessary

    We have X-rays to see bones, ultrasounds to see babies, and an MRI to see the brain.

    Is a finger in the ass really necessary for a prostate exam?

  • My Sock Fell Off

    My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…

    So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.

  • It Was an Estimate

    Bob the Builder walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, “I have an 8 inch dick, and I can shag all night!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    After a few drinks, she takes Bob home with her.

    The next morning, she says, “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night! Instead, you have a 5 inch dick and lasted three minutes!”

    Bob replies, “I’m a builder, love. It was an estimate.”

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