I scared the mailman yesterday by going to the door completely naked…
I’m not sure what freaked him out more… my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Tone: shocking
Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Third Old Lady Couldnt Reach
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
But the third old lady couldn’t reach.
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Our Prayers Have Been Answered
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”
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You Can Choose Any Prize From the Bottom Shelf
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!
14. I say zip it — zip it good!
13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.
12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!
10. Just Say Whoa
9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!
8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!
7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!
6. Leave It Near Beaver
5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.
4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!
3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!
2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.
1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] -
Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13. Some Like It Cold
12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
9. Lifeless in Seattle
8. The Right Stiff
7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
4. The Corpse Whisperer
3. CASketball
2. Waiting to Exhume
1. Blue Vulva -
Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”
15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”
14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”
13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”
12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”
11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”
10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”
9. “I have early-onset onanism.”
8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”
7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”
6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”
5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”
4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”
3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”
2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”
1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Dont Complain About My Cooking
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”
