Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

    The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

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    15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.

    14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.

    13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?

    12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.

    11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.

    10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”

    9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.

    8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.

    7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.

    6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.

    5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.

    4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!

    3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.

    2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.

    1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

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    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

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    14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
    13. Some Like It Cold
    12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
    11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
    10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
    9. Lifeless in Seattle
    8. The Right Stiff
    7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
    6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
    5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
    4. The Corpse Whisperer
    3. CASketball
    2. Waiting to Exhume
    1. Blue Vulva

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

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    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

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    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

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  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

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  • Check and Chuck

    The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.

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    The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”

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  • Spice Girls Robots

    A young boy was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen. After a while, the kid wanders into the kitchen and asks, “Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?”

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    His mother replies, “No, dear, they aren’t. Why do you ask?”

    “Well, daddy just said that he’d like to screw the arse off the black one.”

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  • Caught In Bed With My Board

    These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

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    The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”

    The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

    They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

    The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

    “Okay,” they said and left.

    Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

    The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

    “Yeah,” said the guy.

    “Where is he?” asked the trader.

    “I shot him,” said the guy.

    “Why?”

    “I caught him in bed with my board.”

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  • Head in the Fence

    This guy is driving through California and picks up a hitchhiker. They continue down the road until they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The driver, overcome with emotion, pulls off the road and says, “Oh, I can’t just drive past without doing something about this… I’ll be right back.”

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    He gets out of the car, goes up to the sheep, and starts fucking it from behind. When done, he walks back to the car and gets in.

    The California guy goes, “Damn! I’ve never seen anything like that.”

    The driver says, “You ought to try it, it’s fantastic.”

    The California guy goes, “…Yea, it did look like a lot of fun, what the hell, I’ll do it!”

    He gets out of the car, walks over to the fence, and sticks his head through it.

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