Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

    One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.

    Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.

    Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”

    So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that?!”

    The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Dead Frog

    This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.

    The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”

    The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”

    As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”

    The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”

    The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”

    The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”

    The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Taking Out the Bodies of the Previous Owners

    I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.

  • Room 319

    A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

    He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

    “Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

    “Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

    “Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

    “That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • We’ve All Got It

    “Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

    “Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

    “But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

    “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

    “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

    “Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Chloroform Aromatherapy

    Chloroform Aromatherapy

    It’s called chloroform … you’ll love it. It’s like aromatherapy but without all the struggling.

  • Broken Condoms Couch

    Broken Condoms Couch

    Him: Why are broken condoms on the couch?

    Her: Would you PLEASE start using our children’s real names?

  • Joel Osteen Phrasing

    Joel Osteen Phrasing

    Do not swallow anything Satan is trying to ram down your throat. Jesus comes first. – Joel Osteen

    HOLY SHIT, JOEL!

    PHRASING!!

  • Angry Raccoon

    Angry Raccoon

    angry raccoon

    When banging a girl from behind, you stick both your pointer fingers in her ass, and when she turns around in shock, you take your shitty fingers and circle around her eyes, making the appearance of a raccoon. Then you run out of the house, knocking over the trash can on the way out.

    After a visit to the zoo, I felt compelled to give my girl the angry raccoon.

  • Wont Do What You Tell Me

    Wont Do What You Tell Me

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    MOTHERFUCKER……..UGGGGH!!!!