Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

The train conductor kept telling me to get off, but trust me,

The train conductor kept telling me to get off, but trust me, with all that rocking the train was doing I had already done so.
I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long,

I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long, take my legs apart.” It would be nice if someone had corrected me *before* I sang it at my sister’s wedding.
Don’t get me wrong, I love playing “Santa and His Helper” with

Don’t get me wrong, I love playing “Santa and His Helper” with my wife, especially when she licks the candy cane and empties out Santa’s sack. I just wish she weren’t so insistent about hanging Santa’s balls from the tree.
If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself

If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself “The Predicament,” because I bring that added element of suspenseful mischief. Plus, much like Snooki, it has a “dic” in it.
“It’s all Greek to me” takes on a whole new meaning at an orgy

“It’s all Greek to me” takes on a whole new meaning at an orgy.
Okay, I get it: Every kiss begins with Kay. But what jewelry

Okay, I get it: Every kiss begins with Kay. But what jewelry store do I need if I just want a blow job?
They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was

They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was Asshole O’Douchebag.
They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better

They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better than that of a human. If that’s the case, why do dogs have to get their nose so damn close when sniffing each others butts?
I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture

I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture business, but every time I call a prospective customer and ask if they want to see my stool samples, they just gasp and hang up.
Ladies, it’s important that you pay attention to the idioms you

Ladies, it’s important that you pay attention to the idioms you use when speaking to your man. There’s a subtle but crucial difference between telling him you’re planning to “blow him off” and “blow him.”