A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Ed and Nancy and the Golf Confession
Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise, and from the moment Ed saw her, he was absolutely captivated. They spent the days dancing under the stars, sharing long conversations by the deck rail, and laughing over fancy cocktails.
When they returned home and realized they lived just a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. Without hesitation, he began asking her out.
In the weeks that followed, Ed took Nancy to dance clubs, candlelit dinners, concerts, movies, and museums. Every date was better than the last, and with each passing moment, Ed grew more certain—Nancy was the one.
To celebrate the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed planned something special: a romantic evening at an elegant restaurant.
As they sipped their cocktails, waiting for their salads, Ed took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and cleared his throat.
“Nancy,” he began, his eyes warm with sincerity, “I think you can tell—I’m completely in love with you. But before we take the next step, I need to be upfront about something.”
Nancy leaned in, intrigued.
Ed continued, “Before I reach into my jacket for a certain little box and ask you a life-changing question, there’s something you should know. I’m a golf fanatic. I play, I read about it, I watch it on TV—I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s a deal-breaker, now’s the time to tell me.”
Nancy took a slow sip of her drink, set it down, and smiled. “Ed, that won’t be a problem at all. I love you just the way you are, and I love golf too!”
She paused, then added, “But since we’re being completely honest… I should tell you that for the last five years, I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed blinked. His mind raced. Then, after a brief pause, he leaned in with a knowing grin and said,
“Well, that’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you swing.”
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The Amish Family and the Elevator
An Amish husband, wife, and son travel to the city on vacation.
While the mother shops, the father and son stand in awe in front of an elevator, having no idea what it is.
As they watch, an elderly woman slowly walks into the strange silver doors. The doors close, and the father and son watch the numbers light up as the elevator rises… then pauses, and comes back down.
A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out.
The son stares in amazement and asks, “Dad… what just happened?”
The father leans over and whispers, “I’m not sure, son… but quick, go get your mother!”
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Left Another Accordion
I left my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car
and left another accordion.
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The Juggler’s DUI Test
A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.
The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”
“I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”
So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.
The cop stands by, watching intently.
Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.
“Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
