Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
1. It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
2. It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
3. It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
4. It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
Philip: Gay men make me puke
Rubberbandits: Don’t deep throat so far then.
PATHEOS.COM
Study finds atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians
Robert Noble: This article is stupid. Besides not knowing how to feed and care for them, it’s illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy and sell them.
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
“Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too — first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees — but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open!”
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”
I just got back from the annual Condiment Convention.
It was nice to ketchup with old friends again.
I’ve run out of toilet paper, so I’ve started using old newspaper…
The Times are rough.
An archaeologist found a 2,000-year-old oil stain.
Ancient grease.
To all my Spanish-speaking friends out there, I just want to say “mucho”…
…because I know it means a lot to you.
