Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • No, It Has to Be the Bull

    A politician was touring his rural constituency in his shiny Range Rover, press in tow, visiting farmers, showing his face, and trying to come across as a man of the people.

    He suddenly found the narrow country lane blocked by a bull being led by a small girl with a rope through its nose ring.

    As the girl tugged at the aggravated bull’s rope, the politician got out to see how he could be of assistance.

    With the press looking on, he approached the girl and asked, “Young lady, just what are you doing with such a large, dangerous animal on the public road?”

    “This old bull?” says the girl. “I’m taking him down to the neighbors’ place to service one of their cows.”

    “Shouldn’t your father be doing that?” asks the politician.

    “Oh no…” says the girl. “It has to be the bull.”

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  • You Can Start Right Away

    A campaigning politician was driving through the countryside, meeting his constituents.

    As he passed a farmhouse, he struck and killed a rooster in the road.

    He told the farmer, “Sorry, but I’ve run over your rooster.”

    Reaching for his wallet, he added, “I’d very much like to replace him, of course.”

    The farmer said, “Fine. You can start right away — the chickens are out back.”

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  • She gave me permission

    My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.

    I think it was pretty cool of her to give me permission.

  • A Serious Drinking Opportunity

    An employee says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a serious problem.”

    The boss says, “Remember our motto: around here there are no problems — only opportunities.”

    The employee nods. “Okay. I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

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  • Little Johnny Explains What a Gnome Is

    A teacher asks her class, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter ‘A’?”

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    Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say something like ‘asshole.’

    So she calls on Suzy, who says, “Apple.”

    “Very good!” says the teacher. “Now… who can tell me a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?”

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say ‘bastard’ or ‘bitch.’

    So she calls on Stephen instead, and Stephen says, “Balloon.”

    This continues until they get to the letter G.

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher says to herself, I can’t think of a swear word that starts with G.

    So she calls on Johnny.

    “Gnome,” says Johnny.

    Very surprised, the teacher says, “That’s excellent, Johnny! It does start with G, which is silent. Johnny, do you know what a gnome is?”

    “Yeah,” says Johnny. “It’s the little shit who lives in my garden and fucks fairies.”

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  • Because He’s My Newt

    A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

    The bartender says, “Interesting pet. What’s his name?”

    “Tiny,” the guy says.

    “Why Tiny?” the bartender asks.

    “Because he’s my newt.”

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  • The Doctor Clears Her Sinuses

    An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past five minutes sitting here.”

    The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

    The next week, the old lady comes back and says, “Doc, I took the pills. The farts are still silent, but now they stink!”

    The doctor says, “Great! We’ve cleared your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing!”

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  • I stand corrected

    I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back.

    I stand corrected.

  • Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball

    What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?

    Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.