Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages

    There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

    The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”

    The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”

    The husband said, “No, not at all.”

    The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”

    “Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”

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  • 500 Votes Per Boob

    Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.

  • Smoking Cessation Plan Backfires Spectacularly

    I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.

    She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called “Cold Turkey.”

    After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

    “Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.

    “I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”

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  • Deluxe Magic Hat

    My wife thinks that TV is a big waste of time, but I just learned something that’s sure to change her mind: When buying a magic hat for the kid’s snowman, spring for the deluxe version that keeps the snowman from melting when the temperature goes above freezing.

  • A Dildo in the Dark

    A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

    One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

    She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”

    The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”

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  • X-Ray to X-Rated

    If I were to ever get X-ray vision, I expect it would last about ten seconds before becoming X-rated vision.

  • Two Blondes Walk Into a Bar

    A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovely young blond women sitting down. He approaches the bar tender and asks: “Excuse me could I’d like to buy those two ladies a couple of drinks.”

    But the bar tender gives him a funny look and answers, “I’m not so sure that is a good idea. You see they’re lesbians.”

    “Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    And the bartender responded, “Why don’t you go over there and ask them?”

    So the young man walked over to the women and asked, “I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?”

    And one answered politely, “We’ll we like to kiss, suck each others tits….”

    And the young man yells to the bar tender, “Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!”

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  • Mr. Insurance Duck

    I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!

  • Energizer Bunny Dies From Backwards Battery Mishap

    I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.

    AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

    Foul play has not been ruled out.

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  • Two-Hit Obscurity

    The only music groups more obscure than the one-hit wonders were those unfortunate enough to have only two hits, thereby keeping them out of any category worth remembering.