Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Accountant’s Creative Job Title Consultation

    A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

    The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

    The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

    The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

    “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

    They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

    The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

    “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

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  • Dogs Chase Cars

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  • Caviar and a Blowjob

    What’s the difference between caviar and a blowjob?

    No difference — you don’t get either of them at home!

  • Miced Onions

    It’s a good idea to pay close attention to the recipe when you cook. That way you won’t spend a whole day looking for miced onions.

  • Beerfuck Meets Carmen at the Bar

    So this fella spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

    “Carmen,” she replied.

    “That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?”

    “No, I named myself,” she answered.

    “Oh, that’s interesting, why Carmen?”

    “Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “What’s your name?”

    “Beerfuck!”

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  • Multiple Autobiographies

    The cool thing about having multiple personality disorder is that you get to write a shitload of autobiographies!

  • Secretary of Defense

    If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.

  • The Holy Trinity

    Probably the easiest way to explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity is that One pokes the Other in the eye and the Third goes “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” a lot. Of course, that might just be the NyQuil talking.

  • The Curious Barber and the Lawn Boy

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

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