Childhood jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
A little boy is in the shower with his mom.
“Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”
She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”
Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”
He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”
Mom freezes. “Oh really?”
Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.
One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.
When he opened the door, he saw his mother bouncing up and down on his father’s lap.
Confused, he quickly closed the door and went back to bed.
The next morning at breakfast after his father had left for work, the little boy asked his mother why she was bouncing on his dad last night.
A bit embarrassed and taken off guard, mum thought for a moment before answering, “Well, you know how daddy has a big belly? Sometimes I have to bounce on it to make it flatter.”
The little boy nodded, taking a mouthful of cereal before replying, “Well, I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”
“Why?” asked his mum, confused.
The boy finished his mouthful and told her, “Because every weekend when you go to visit grandma, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up again…”
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room…
The first kid asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born and couldn’t walk for a year.”
A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”
Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.
I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.
It said… “For best results, put on two coats.”
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
