If two gay Black men get married and adopt a baby, which father is supposed to abandon the family?
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Wouldnt Watch That If I Were You
look what I found in my mother’s room
Aye man, I wouldn’t watch that if I were you
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A Pinch of Gun Powder on Your Oatmeal
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning…
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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The Chicken Was Delicious
Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.
When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.
Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.
The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”
The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”
The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”
A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.
To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”
To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”
To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”
And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”
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So Fragrantly
A local store was giving away free samples of perfume, limited to one per customer.
I went in with my brother, who decided that if he sprayed the entire sample on himself in the store, then he was entitled to take another as he hadn’t technically left the store with the first. He repeated this seven or eight times until he reeked of roses.
Somehow, he seemed not to find anything wrong with this behaviour. I, however, was appalled. I couldn’t believe my own brother would abuse the rules so fragrantly.
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Urine Test Results
A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.
The doctor tells him to take a urine test.
The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”
The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”
The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.
The next day he comes back for the results.
The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.
Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.
Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.
As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”
The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.
The doctor shouts after him:
“And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”
