Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • 7 Year Old Spelling

    7 Year Old Spelling

  • Is It the Light Thats Attractin Them

    In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

    Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”

    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

    The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Glad I Didnt Let That One Go in the Kitchen

    A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.

    The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”

    They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.

    Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”

    She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Band or the Football Team

    The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

    “All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

    Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

    “I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

    “Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Dont Want a Dog

    One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

    Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”

    The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

    Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.

    “I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

    Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Named Her Grandma

    Named Her Grandma

    katie @skatie420

    [showing off my new baby] we named her after my grandmother, her name is Grandma.

    7:48 AM · 20 Apr 22 · Twitter for iPhone

    380 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 3,939 Likes

  • That Same Thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff Used to Do

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY…”

    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

    At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell the rest tonight.”

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said, “…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • 30 to 1 Odds

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

    When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

    “So how was it?” his mother asked Little Johnny.

    “Great!” Little Johnny replied.

    “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

    “Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the horses came racing home at 30 to 1 odds!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Know the Whole Truth

    At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

    The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

    The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Damned If I Know

    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    “It’s a period” reported Johnnie.

    “Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

    “Damned if I know” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy shit, Momma fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail