Contrary to what my mom says, I don’t lack ambition. I’ve already made plans to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells so that someday I’ll be the most badass zombie EVER.
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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When I was a little kid we had a hamster.
When I was a little kid we had a hamster. One day the hamster ate its newborn babies. That was pretty gross, so we decided to just go ahead and get rid of it. We took it down the road and left it to fend for itself. It was a great lesson for a kid to learn, because I knew what to do 12 years later when the exact same thing happened with my sister.
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If I ever have a daughter, I won’t let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they
If I ever have a daughter, I won’t let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they create unrealistic body images for girls. In the real world, what are the odds that a young girl will ever grow up to be only eleven and a half inches tall?
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I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe
I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe top with an elephant bottom. The fun stopped later, though, when I was arrested and charged with Garanimal cruelty.
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Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows about people with dozens of kids and how
Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows about people with dozens of kids and how they manage to go about their days. Shouldn’t at least one of them be called “The Eighteenth Century”?
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My wife thought she could really get me good on April Fool’s Day with her “Whoopee
My wife thought she could really get me good on April Fool’s Day with her “Whoopee cushion on the car seat” gag. But I think I trumped her with the ol’ “backing the sedan through the garage door” routine.
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In hindsight, I suppose I should have instead told my wife that I had a great time this
In hindsight, I suppose I should have instead told my wife that I had a great time this afternoon with a “foursome which lost a member before teeing off the first hole.” Then maybe I’d have TWO working testicles.
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After accidentally bringing the wrong tool, I thought the mohel would never get that
After accidentally bringing the wrong tool, I thought the mohel would never get that poor kid circumcised, but he finally managed to pull it off.
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My wife said yesterday that she’s worried I’m becoming a workaholic.
My wife said yesterday that she’s worried I’m becoming a workaholic. Well, this 32-slide Powerpoint presentation I put together overnight should convince her otherwise.
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I told my wife I would understand if she found another lover after I was gone, because
I told my wife I would understand if she found another lover after I was gone, because life goes on, and she is a beautiful, vibrant woman who should not be alone. However, I meant “gone” as in “dead,” not gone as in “at the office.”
